Homesick

folding old clothes

soft along the hems

maple wood and cinder soot

and do you remember when I wore this?

picture postcards

worn along the folds

vintage maps and postage stamps

and do you remember when I wrote this?

we are mosquitoes in the amber

we're not as molten as we seem

we are just energy and matter

we're not as solid as we seem

and on the day you die

you'll wake to find

it all has been a dream

another bus ride

another milestone

power lines and highway signs

and will I remember when I wrote this?

please forgive me

for I cannot let this go

i'm sick from falling forward

and my heart is in my throat

i'm homesick

This is, by far and away, my favourite song on Love Lives Here. It's kind of a preview of the songwriting style I moved into with The Quiet Years. It does not make me want to write 1,000 caveats about how sorry I am that I ever used to be 23 or write about my feelings at that time. All it makes me want to do is write more songs like this and sing them in public.

When my older sister got engaged, my mum and younger sister and I rallied together to plan her a surprise engagement party. We were incredibly pleased with ourselves at having even thought of such a thing, and even more pleased when the whole thing went off without a hitch. She was duly surprised, everybody turned up who said they would, I took my shoes off in a restaurant, wine was consumed in great volumes - an unmitigated success! The party happened in Kingston, so I had taken the bus home for the event, this being prior to my current, 2009 Mazda Tribute-having situation.

While riding the bus, I was overtaken by the feeling of an event that had been long in the works, becoming something that had already happened, a memory only. I became aware of my position on the edge of my own history, staring into an unknowable future while memories accumulated behind me like so many trinkets and keepsakes. I still get that feeling all the time, and I still write about it because somehow I have not gotten over this Time thing and maybe I never will.

The video! Aw, this is a cute video, right? I made this in the fall of 2013 (Ed. note 2022 - That is almost 10 years ago!!! I AM SO YOUNG IN THIS! I AM SO CUTE! AWWWW, NEKO!!!) - before I cut my hair, or any idea that I should put on makeup before shooting a video of myself e_e... I'm still proud of it, for even though it is very amateurish, I made it all by myself. I didn't even watch a tutorial about it, I just had a video camera (separate device! pre-smartphone!) and iMovie and kinda figured it out. I enjoy watching the footage of where we used to live in Montreal's NDG neighbourhood, and all the little drawings of myself - my little zoë doodlz. Those are taken from diaries I kept between 2010-2012 while I was working on my Master's degree. I really like the little "hoping with all her might" zoë (2:16). And I miss Neko the cat, even though she was a force of major destruction and pooped on the floor.